


Strange Visitors

by InterNutter



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Balance Arc, Commitment Arc, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-02-05 00:14:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 15,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12782712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InterNutter/pseuds/InterNutter
Summary: The Do-Good Fellowship was not expecting aliens from another dimension, that day. But... who was?No shipping happens in this fic, though there is a hint of Casual!Taagnus





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own words. Listen to the marvellous podcast known as The Adventure Zone. You’re welcome.
> 
> TBH, I'm shocked nobody else has done this.

Remy was not used to his metabolism being on overdrive. He was certainly not used to waking up to Fellowship medics pumping his stomach full of stuff guaranteed to keep him alive, and restarting his heart for the fifth time of nearly starving to death in his sleep.

And now he was on a diet of the worst fucking stuff for his previous life. With orders to keep a bedside drawer full of atrocious snack food. And an alert system designed to wake him up so that he could eat before he got into metabolic trouble.

He was certainly not used to eating two trays full of crap food and being hungry enough for tubs of Ben and Jerry’s. And it was in the middle of some Phish Food that he caught the news.

Aliens had come to the Gulf of Mexico.

Real ones.

The silver ship appeared in the sky, almost in the path of a passenger jet, and swooped out of its way with expert maneuvers. It really was a silver ship. Like… the old style sail ships only without a mast of any kind. There were even little figures on its deck.

One of which got knocked about by the blast of air from the jet. Another little figure caught them by one hand. But not well.

A traffic copter got close enough to see the tumbled figure in red, hanging off their crewmate’s hand, slip and fall away.

“No!”

The falling figure did something odd. They slowed their own fall. They should have plummeted to their death, but they slowed to a leisurely descent. They even took time to wave to the ship as they cruised vaguely downwards. Their clothing acting as a sail and pushing them this way and that as the wind changed.

Cameras were sent to the scene. The screens showed streams from phones in buildings that were in the alien’s path.

And when they got a good look, Remy could only say, “What the fuck?”

Their outfit was equal parts medieval cosplay and Horatio Hornblower. Mostly in red. There were black pants and matching boots. They wore a red robe with gold trim. A jacket over that with enormous lapels and cuffs. Gold chain. Gold trim. Even the hat was red with a ridiculous golden sash and a decorative bow.

The only thing that wasn’t gold was a patch over their left breast. A black circle that contained a rainbow of smaller circles and some form of logo.

As for the being who wore it…

They were a heart-stopping beauty. Ethereal.

Long, pointed ears should have been all that stopped this being from looking completely human, but the unearthly attractiveness of them did that too. Their shoulder-length locks were the exact colour of gold. And their skin was a warm and mottled brown.

Remy couldn’t tell whether they were male or female, and he didn’t really care.  _ Holy shit, I would line up for a ticket to kiss that. _

They were coming to earth over a highway. People streaming from a pedestrian bridge caught a good view of them. Caught their voice.

Remy had expected velvet and chocolate dipped in honey. What he got was sort of… reedy.

“Hail and well met,” they said, doffing their hat and taking a bow in mid-air. “We come in peace.”

The people behind the camera shouted, “Look out!”

And then it all went to shit.

The corner of a truck clipped one of the being’s boots. They went careening along the length of the shipping container. Fell at full force and bounced off of three other cars and one camper van before traffic stopped around the ominously still and bleeding figure in the middle of two lanes.

This was not going to reflect well on the planet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK folks. I have JUST HEARD that calling Lup "Chalupa" is problematic/racist/whatnot and I'm kind'a freaking out about that because I am totally IN LOVE with the idea of Taako's entire family having Tex-Mex themed food names by pure linguistic co-incidence.
> 
> IF THIS IS A PROBLEM... let me know here and now before I do all sorts of horrible things by being unaware and I will correct to "Guadalupe". And make certain that it's not going to be a problem in any of my future works.
> 
> Thank you for your patience with me.


	2. Chapter 2

“Kardala does not wish to be imprisoned in these ‘briefings’. They are not brief.”

“I agree,” said Nadiya. “But we need information and the best way to get it is by being  _ quiet _ and  _ listening _ . Otherwise, this briefing gets far less brief.”

Remy just sighed and handed Kardala another sandwich. He and she both had nearly identical metabolisms, though the medical staff  _ assured _ him that his would be winding down. Soon. Real soon. Honest. The human body was something of a smarty-pants and would adjust to this. Really.

Not soon enough for Remy.

“At roughly four-fifty this morning, we were witness to a once in a lifetime event,” said Joe. Footage of key moments played on the screen behind him. “What we have here is some bona fide alien contact. So far, we’ve only got one alien in custody. Uh. The ship they arrived in vanished without a trace, there. Uh. And… the alien is in pretty rough shape.”

Live footage from one of the Fellowship medical labs. The alien, beaten and bruised, but clean and in hospital scrubs. They were breathing on their own, but that was all.

It was like looking at a slashed DaVinci. More so because the hospital scrubs drained eighty percent of the colour out of them.

“Now. We know nothing of their biology, so we’re only givin’ the poor fella a saline drip and very basic nasogastric nutrition. R and D is trying to work out what’s going on with his clothes…”

Remy put up his hand. “Is it actually male? I mean. Are they actually male?”

“If he is, he will make a fine bedmate for Kardala,” purred the goddess. “If he is strong enough, he may sire some fine demigods.”

“Let’s not go there,” said Nadiya. “This is an alien. For all we know, his--  _ their _ body fluids are hazardous to us.”

“Kardala still finds him extremely attractive.”

“Yeah, I think the entire world finds ‘em that way,” Joe blushed. “And as for the fluids and all… er. Nadiya? We’d like you to work out exactly what we can do for this… being. Remy? If you could -ah- keep us apprised of any internet traffic concernin’ the ship and the other crew?”

Kardala was getting faster on the uptake. She realised that this would separate the trio enough to bring Irene to the fore. “Kardala refuses to return to the Irene prison! You have no right to command a goddess!”

“...well, shit,” muttered Remy. He fit his mental space into what he knew of Kardala and tried her special brand of illogic. “Of course we don’t,” he said. “Heck, if you’re scared, I’ll hang around and hold your hand.”

“Little man, Kardala fears nothing and no-one. Kardala will submit to the Irene prison to prove this to all of her doubters.”

It was way too easy to bait her. “As you wish,” he said, and left Nadiya to re-brief Irene when she returned.


	3. Chapter 3

Irene joined the R&D people with the alien’s clothing and artefacts. Most of it had been cut off the alien, so it wasn’t in terrific shape. They were inside biohazard suits and running every test known to science on everything.

Item: Boots, black. One pair. Two-inch heel, otherwise serviceable for all terrain. Apparently relatively new. Few signs of wear. Highly polished and lace-up. Knee height. All leather and hand-made.

Trace on the sole declared that these boots had last trod on a world much like their own. Microflora and fauna were almost indistinguishable from native Terran species.

Item: Trousers. Black. High-waisted. Button fly. Canvas with gold piping on the seams. Polished brass buttons. Hand made.

These were tailored and also showed little signs of wear. The copious pockets contained a linen handkerchief embroidered with what looked like a letter T, a small jar of what could easily be lip balm, and a comb and some strips of leather.

Item: Jacket. Red with gold trim and gold chain. In a style reminiscent of steampunk or the days of steam and sail boats. According to the videos, the alien had worn it more like a cloak. It was heavy wool, and hand-made.

It seemed like everything was hand-made. The pockets of the coat contained bobby pins, a small ball of string, a pocket mirror, and more strips of leather. Another, inner pocket contained a very small manicure set.

All new. Except for some of the leather strips. All showing few signs of wear. Except for two or three of the leather strips, which showed signs of being knotted and un-knotted.

Item: Robe. Linen. Red with gold trim and gold lacing at the neck slot. Patch on the left breast a circle made of a rainbow of circles, set inside a larger circle of black. Lettering in the centre that resembled the initials I, P, R, and E. There was a red swoosh integrated with it that was reminiscent of NASA’s.

A smaller font had the letters resembling T, A, A, K, and O. At the bottom of the largest, encompassing circle.

The ‘skirt’ of the robe was designed to flare out. Inset, triangular pieces and a split in the front indicated that this was a garment designed with the potential for running in mind. There was a small loop at the waist on the left-hand side. The sleeves were loose, and gathered at the wrist. Mobility and freedom of movement were key.

Relatively new, hand-made, showing few signs of wear.

Item: White shirt. Silk. Tee shirt design with a slit at the front neck and lacing of woven cord.

Relatively new, hand-made, showing few signs of wear.

Item…

Irene really hated to note this.

Red pointed hat with a wide brim. Gold-coloured decoration consisting of a long strip of fabric wound around the crown, stitched into place (by hand!) and tied into a bow. Trailing ends left to dangle over the brim by design. Rolled hems. By hand.

She wanted to write,  _ It’s a fucking witch’s hat and it looks like a traffic cone. _ But she restrained herself.

Relatively new. Hand-made. Few signs of wear.

Item.  _ Oh geez. _ Underpants. Silk and lace.

Irene went vivid red. She was seriously inspecting someone else’s… unmentionables.

Style reminiscent of 1920’s era bloomers. Lace hand-tatted. Everything  _ was _ hand-made. Woven on a loom and not by a machine. Spun by someone and not something.

No evidence of automation in any artefact.

Relatively new. Hand-made. Few signs of wear.

Item. Wooden rod with a quartzite crystal embedded in the pointed tip. Handle carved into opposite end. Eleven point five inches in total length. Shows signs of being turned to produce.

The footage had showed the alien holding it, and the stone glowing as they descended. Nobody else could make it glow and it showed no signs of being anything else but a piece of wood with a rock in it.

Signs of patina from being grasped. Signs of repeated varnishing. Signs of rubbing as if put into and pulled out of some form of sheath.

...or a loop at about waist height.

Irene tested this hypothesis by sticking the wand into the loop on the robe. It held and would hold onto the wand.

So out of everything that this being had, they only had one old object. Five if one counted the leather strips in their pockets.

This alien also had zero evidence of advanced technology. Nothing like a phone. Nothing like a radio. Nothing like… anything Earth knew.

And they had a  _ magic wand _ and a  _ witch’s hat _ .

Irene couldn’t figure out the meeting place between Ren-faire clothing and the space age technology that seemed to run the ship. Or the design of the ship itself.

It was as if these aliens had made the leap from the Renaissance to space travel without any intervening industrial age.

Irene opened up her comms. “Nadiya? Is it okay t-to talk?”

Her voice came through the headset. “I’m watching all biosigns and attempting to work out what ‘stable’ is on a being from another world. But it’s fine. I can multi-task.”

“Was- was that… um… sar- sarcasm?”

Sigh. “No. I really can multitask. Is there a problem?”

“Um. Not… not exactly.”

Nadia was silent.

“It’s -um- the tech level of the artefacts from the alien.”

“Take your time. I’m drawing some blood.”

“Well. Um. There’s no signs of industry. No… um… industrial machines. It’s… everything he was wearing is -uhm- new. New-ish. It’s all hand-made. There’s nothing really  _ old _ at all. It’s like… it’s like they stepped onto that ship just yesterday andum… fell off it today.”

“Hm. Instant interstellar flight. Perhaps the ship can make wormholes. That might explain something.”

“They took an awful b-b-big risk, did- didn’t they? How did they know that the air w-ww-was safe? How did they kn-nn-know we didn’t have dis- diseases that could k-kill them? It- it- it does- it doesn’t add up.”

“We’ll ask him to do math if we can wake him up.”

“So… he’s a boy?”

“I can’t find any reasons to call them female,” said Nadiya. “The striae on the X-rays is interesting. If I were going on bones alone, I’d say he’s over a century old and in wonderful shape. But he looks nineteen-ish.”

“There’s a lot that doesn’t add up,” said Remy over the comms.

“Jump boy. How goes the internet search?” asked Nadiya.

“The entire world wants to fuck the Space Elf,” he said with the resignation of a man who knows that there is such a thing as too much porn.

“We are  _ not _ calling him a Space Elf,” snapped Nadiya. “Nucleii in the haemoglobin. Extra platelets… Scans found some interesting organ structures and that brain… His brain looks incredible. There’s lobal structures in there I can’t begin to fathom.”

“...and only one person wants to dissect him,” said Remy.

“Absolutely not. I want to ask him  _ questions. _ Find out how this wonderful biomechanical machine of his even works. Just think of the advancements in medicine that are just laying there… ripe for understanding. The advancements in technolo--”

“Uhm. Nadiya? Are- are you okay?”

“There was a spike in his EEG… but it’s settled again. Probably nothing.”


	4. Chapter 4

_Good news, bad news, good news_ , thought Taako.

Good news. He had survived some high speed blunt force damage.

Bad news. The natives had him captive and were studying him.

Good news… they were invested in keeping him alive.

Bad news… they had something called an ee’ee’ji that could detect his thoughts. It ‘spiked’ when he heard one of them going on about taking all the advancements she could get out of him.

Good news. He could play possum until they went away. Maybe.

They’d taken his clothes. They’d taken his wand. They’d even taken his _hat._

They were examining him. And Taako wasn’t anyone’s lab rat. But the likelihood of getting out of dodge with cantrips alone was criminally small.

The weird gloves of theirs had touched just about every inch of his body. Probably more of it when he wasn’t awake to feel it. But now that he could, it was a struggle to stay still and relaxed.

Especially when one of them was going after his dick.

He opened his eyes to see some device in a strange yellow glove that he really did not want anywhere _near_ his dick. Screw playing possum.

“Buy a fella a drink, first,” he said. One of his arms was wrapped up in something heavy and solid, so he used the other to shield his junk.

The figure who had been going after his junk covered it up again. They wore an odd kind of suit. Yellow. It covered their entire body and tubes running out of it, with a clear portion for the face. Nice face. Severe expression. Skin tone somewhere between Mags and Luce’s. He could tell that they was one of the regular-sized races, but not which one. Plain for an Elf. Beautiful for a Human.

“I wanted a urine sample,” they said.

“Listen. You do you. I’m not into that, myself. Just -uh- point me at a bucket and keep _that_ ,” he pointed at the thing in their gloved hand. “The fuck away from my dick. M’kay?” Shit. Introductions. “Hail and well met, by the way. My name’s Taako. Late of Tre Llew-Ddion.” He offered a hand.

The figure in the yellow suit said, “Seriously? Your name is _Taco_ ? And you’re from _Television_?”

“Close enough,” Taako retrieved his hand. “Most people introduce _themselves_ at this point.” He tried to sit up and thought better of it. Ow. He really wished Merle was here. He’d come out of his collisions with something multiple. He could feel it.

Boy howdy, he could feel it.

“My name is Nadiya Jones.” He offered her gloved hand in an echo of Taako’s gesture.

Really? Well. Names were strange everywhere. Taako didn’t have the heart to tell her that there was a simply fabulous dessert five worlds ago that was also a Nadiya. He did a perfunctory shake. Nothing special.

“I understand this is not the best circumstances,” he allowed. “Could’a been worse. Definitely could’a been better. Uh.” He took in the room. White and sterile. Things were attached to him that he dared not touch. The entirety of one leg was wrapped up in the same, heavy stuff that the arm was. And so was half of his other leg. “What is this place?”

“You’re in the medical wing of the Do-Good Fellowship,” said Nadiya. “And as soon as we figure out your medical needs, we’ll see to your healing.”

Right. This was a tech world. They didn’t have Gods worth a damn or clerics who could channel them. “I’d be fine if I could re-unite with my crew. Uh. Let me guess. After that near miss with the screaming metal behemoth, the ship’s vanished without a trace?”

“Yes. It has. We only have a few seconds of footage and no idea how to find it. They… they wouldn’t leave you behind at all. Would they?”

“No. Absolutely not. And we’re stuck with this world for a year anywho. Uh. And very important? Something’s gonna turn up a couple of days after we arrived? Something… let’s call it very special. And there’s something coming after it that will. Uhm. Destroy your fucking world.”

“Way to bury the lead, there,” said Nadiya.

“Yeah. I know. People don’t take it well when we warn them about this shit. We didn’t even know when it hit _our_ world. In retrospect, we were lucky to escape.” And he needed to pee. “Where’s that pail? I gotta take a leak.”

“Don’t get up,” Nadiya had a wide-necked bottle made of a stiffer version of her suit. “Just -uh- pee into this.”

The subtleties of her movements and speech made her gender clear at last. And now that he was noticeably awake, she was concerned about his modesty. Taako was not. A hundred years on the road and more than a few worlds with the Starblaster had erased every shame he could have about his body. Not that he was ever in peak physical condition. A literal lifetime of famine and feast had lead to stretch marks and a layer of blubber. And he had never _had_ muscle tone. Not even when he and Lup were doing trapeze stuff for one of the many circuses that they found to tag along with. But after a couple of worlds where clothing was taboo, he stopped feeling ashamed of his figure flaws.

But that didn’t stop him wearing a corset whenever he could get away with it.

Nadiya was talking to someone. “Subject has heterochromia, small patches of vitiligo, and something of a potty mouth. Subject claims that this planet has a year before something arrives to destroy the world. Frankly, I’m amazed that this alien can speak English.”

“We can’t explain it, either,” said Taako. “But it really sucks when we have to learn the local lingo. Worse than re-learning _math_.”

“Commencing lab recording.” Nadiya turned. “There’s other ways to do math?”


	5. Chapter 5

“Got it,” said Davenport. “They’re using a digital transmission method." Thousands of rectangles filled the room. Displaying all kinds of information and filling the room with babble. The six remaining crew did their utmost to silence the loudest ones as fast as possible.

“Found him!” said Barry. “He used Featherfall most of the way down before… uhm.”

Lup was already on his shoulder. “Oh shit. Koko…”

“Is he dead?” asked Magnus.

“If he is, I’ll kill him,” growled Lup. “I told him a million times. Showboat  _ after _ your feet are on the ground! Doofus!”

“Nope. He’s okay,” announced Merle, he had his hands grasping the air around a different rectangle. “They’ve taken him to some place called the Do-Good Fellowship.”

Lucretia snorted. “Now  _ there’s _ an evil organisation if I ever heard one…”

“Yeah,” agreed Magnus. “I wouldn’t trust them as far as I can throw them.”

“You’d be right…” Davenport had one of his own rectangles. It showed visions of people with fantastic abilities. Fireworks. Super strength or agility. Fucking wrecking whatever place they were in.

Barry made an uncertain noise in the back of his throat.

“Yeah,” agreed Lup. “My stupid baby brother’s in big trouble.” She moved a rectangle of her own. “These people are doing some weird-ass biological experiments.” On her rectangle, a pod opened to reveal a fleshy cocoon that soon split open to unveil some kind of monster. “We have to find him, and get him, before they do something to him.”

Lucretia had five screens and was putting together a map. A multi-layered diamond campus. There was a smaller map of the gulf that they were hiding in and a simple diamond shape in one corner. “It’s a very secure facility with technology we can’t even fathom,” she said.

Barry, oldest of Team Human, groaned in anticipation. “Not the humble janitor routine  _ again _ .”

“But you do it so well,” teased Lup, jiggling his chubby belly. “You so look the part.”

Barry went bright red. “...please don’t do that…”

“More of you to love, Barry,” chirped Magnus.

“I should go,” said Lucretia.

Everyone else stared at her and she started to shrink in her place. “I mean. We’ll need a means of recording everything our scout sees and hears, and… I already  _ have _ an eidetic memory, so…”

“MAKEOVER!” Lup cheered.

“Oh Gods, I’m doomed,” whimpered Lucretia.


	6. Chapter 6

“I am come for job,” said the woman opposite Hugh. She had got in with those words, and hadn’t said much else for, “I do good work.” Her accent was definitely foreign, but Hugh couldn’t nail it down to a definite area.

The manner of her dress was strange. It was if she didn’t know what clothes served a particular purpose. It looked like she had a woven bathroom rug wrapped around her head. She had a sequinned dress that clearly did not fit her and was made for a taller, slighter person. The blue denim pants were made for someone taller and wider.

He had seen people in hand-me-downs and pre-loved clothes. This was probably the best she could accomplish. There was likely a sad tale on the other side of her appearance, and frankly, Hugh had heard them all.

“Why did you come here for a job?”

“There are many fantastic opportunities for advancement in the Do-Good Fellowship,” she said, parroting the ad copy verbatim. She’d learned it off the television. “I do good work. I do work hard. I am good working. I am come for job.”

Right. “Well, as soon as I have your ID, I can probably start you somewhere… useful.”

She covered her face. “No take eyes! I am come for work. Need see. Need see.”

“You have papers, maybe?” Hugh tried.

“Papers. Yes. Having papers.” She dug into her purse - more a leather satchel, and brought out a sheaf of neatly-folded… newspaper clippings. “Good papers. I am come for job.”

Hugh winced. Forced a smile. There were more than a few like her who came here. They didn’t speak good English, and they were fleeing bad conditions wherever they came from. And a place named the  _ Do-Good _ Fellowship couldn’t very well turn away people in need.

“I think we can help you, miss…?”

“Er. Lucy,” said Lucy. Very likely not her real name. “I am come for job.”

“You have job,” said Hugh. He could pay her cash and make sure she had a place to stay. And English lessons once they worked out what the heck her native language was. They were, after all, here to help. Proper documentation would happen in the fullness of time.


	7. Chapter 7

One of the multiples that Taako knew he had now was multiple fractures in his ribs. Which meant that every last move was a world of pain. Every breath hurt. He also knew that he was officially in quarantine because these people had diseases that he needed to be immunised against. Which was going to be a regime.

And in the meantime, there was a coral-snake-striped line that he wasn’t allowed to cross.

At least they let him cook, and kept him stocked with ingredients. And let him have a suite to himself and what passed for clothes.

The Light had landed in a place called _Australia_ , and negotiations were underway to get it and bring it back to the Fellowship headquarters.

And he knew operations were underway from his crew to get him the heck out of here. Because he swore he saw Barry’s blue jeans on someone else’s butt. Not his sister, the one infamous for stealing other’s clothes. But they definitely had some of his sister’s wardrobe.

The dark skin gave it away. Lucretia.

Yeah. His family was _here_.

And from the looks of things, they were doing the Humble Janitor. Classic. The cleaning staff went just about _everywhere_ no matter what. Because no matter how high the security measures, no matter how stringent the secrets… people liked clean floors, empty trash cans, and a significant lack of dust.

And, to be honest, the Humble Janitor might as well be an invisibility spell.

But _Luce_ as the Humble Janitor? They had to be scoping out the security measures and mapping the base. Taako wracked his brains trying to remember what other languages they had in common. Humans didn’t manage Elven too well… He barely knew enough Gnomish to curse in. And all his Gnomish curses, he’d picked up from Davenport…

Dwarven!

Yes!

Taako limped his way to the kitchen and started cooking one of Luce’s favourites. The smell would lure her in quicker than anything else. Just like a signal fire. _I know you’re here. I know you’re looking. Come and find me._

Of course it worked like a charm. Luce in her weird Foreigner get-up. Working on pretending to mop the floors.

“Is there a plan, or are you still scouting?” he asked.

And just then, one of the natives came in. “Lucy! This is a restricted area.”

“I mop floor,” said Luce. That fake accent was ludicrous. Hilarious.

Taako said, “I don’t mind sharing food. I love it. The poor dear’s half starved. Let her eat.”

“This is a security matter,” said the native. “And we have concerns about your health.”

Taako accidentally-on-purpose spilled some flour whilst pretending to stumble. “Whoopsy-doopsy.”

“I mop floor!” said Luce. Zooming in on the spill with single-minded determination.

“She doesn’t understand much English,” said the native.

Taako code-switched to Elven, which he knew Luce could understand. “[When I get to Dwarven, get enthusiastic about responding.]”

“Taco, this is not helpful… you can’t possibly know her language.”

“You’d be surprised,” now the animal grunts and chirps. “[The good news is, they want me on the mend. The bad news is, I’ve been explaining maths for two weeks.]”

And now there was flour goop all over the place. Luce was scrubbing at it and making it worse. On purpose. “I mop floor!”

Gnomish, “[Fucking son of a bitch-ass cunt.]

Luce covered her laughter in coughing.

Okay. Everyone had suffered enough. Dwarven. “[So. How has your fortnight been?]”

“[Oh my gods, you would not believe the trouble we have had,]” she enthused. Acting happy that she could finally talk. “[Lup thought they might be vivisecting you. And what the hell are you wearing? That has to be the least fashionable thing I’ve ever seen you in. Is that their symbol? Dare I ask what happened to your uniform?]”

“Holy shit. You speak her language? How is that even possible?”

 _We cheated? No._ “Co-incidence is an amazing--”

“Where is the attractive demon of the stars?” demanded Kardala, off somewhere in the labyrinth of the Fellowship headquarters. “Kardala would mate!”

Two out of three people in the room muttered, “Oh, shit…”

Luce, bless her soul, actually managed to keep a lid on things and not break character. “[What’s going on?]”

“[Trouble,]” summarised Taako. “[With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Please get me the fuck away from her.]”


	8. Chapter 8

‘Her’ as it turned out, was a gargantuan woman of the human model, but the titan’s size. She had glowing tattoos on her face and luminous eyes.

...and someone tied around her waist?

The human woman at this… Kardala’s… middle was literally tied in a knot. Ankles to wrists, and looking very put out about it. Under the titan’s arm was a young human man who appeared very sheepish about being carried under Kardala’s arm like a rug or a bedroll.

“I’m sorry,” said the young human man. “I zigged when I should’a zagged.”

“And we were doing  _ so _ well up until this point,” sighed the human waistband.

“Kardala has found the solution, demon of the stars,” crowed the titan. “We will make beauteous demigods together!”

“All… three of you?” said Taako. “Not gonna lie. That’s gonna be crimping my style a lot. Also. Minor detail you missed the last three times. You’re not my type. Women in general are not my type.” He side-stepped an attempted grab with some difficulty. “I really. Really.  _ Really _ like guys. M’kay? I’d rather smooch your- your- your boy there than you. It’s not you, it’s me.” Another escape attempt, this time around the kitchen’s counter, stopped short as Taako winced and grabbed his ribs. And the hard shells on three of his limbs wasn’t helping either. His movement was severely impaired.

“[We should have sent Merle,]” murmured Lucretia.

“[Merle would have stood out like a dog’s balls, Luce. You got it right. Just… get me some kind’a wand. Any kind of focus.]” He tried to dodge the titan Kardala again, but he was running out of options.

She had one! A wand Adhered to her back for emergencies only. And this was clearly an emergency.

The sticking spell ripped off a little bit of skin as it broke. A small sacrifice considering Taako’s injuries. And then she tossed it to the better mage. “Ko! Watch!”

He caught it with Mage Hand brought it to his actual fingers.

“WHOAH!” hollered the young human man.

“What the--?” said the human belt.

Taako aimed at the titan. “Sleep!”

“You… cannot… make… Kardala… submit…” the titan’s glowing eyes seemed to roll back. “That… eas--” The floor shook as she landed.

Lucretia was under Taako’s arm and supporting him as much as she dared. “Come on. We can get you out of here.”

“No, you literally can’t.”

“Untie me!” The human waistband was struggling to get loose. So was the young human man. But the titan Kardala held tight to the young man and neither he nor she could untie the one who was a belt.

“Luce. Luce. You can’t get me out. Listen.”

“I have to try, Taako. We might never have this chance again.” They hobbled together for the nearest door.

“Luce no. They have--”

One of his shells crossed a striped line on the floor. Klaxons and diverse alarms sounded. Doors and windows slammed shut and bars raised over them.

“Shit,” said Lucretia.

“Trackers in the things on my limbs,” said Taako with a sigh. “Good try, Luce. We almost had a stealth mission going there. Get a briefing, next time. Make sure the escape plan isn’t run and hope.”

Natives were gathering. Surrounding them.

Lucretia still cast her shield around them both. “Stay away from us!”

“Lucy,” said the native named Hugh. “I see you’re suddenly speaking excellent English.”

“You’re not going to hurt my friend,” she said. “I just want to get him to our healer.”

Taako was flagging. He cast Levitate on himself and clung carefully to Lucretia’s shoulder. His loaner wand interlaced in his fingers. “You’re making it worse,” he protested.

The human man from the kitchen entered Lucretia’s line of sight. Showing his empty hands. Talking in a soft, soothing voice. “It’s okay, now. It’s okay. We’re just going to have a talk. Nobody’s going to hurt you. Nobody’s hurting your friend.”

“He’s in pain,” she protested. “Just let us go! We can heal him. And… we can come back. Worth with you to get the Light and save…” she couldn’t say ‘this world’ without a qualifier. “Most of this world.”

Taako moaned. “I’m dead, I’m dying. Take me into the sweet embrace of death…”

Lucretia rolled her eyes.

“You will not steal the beauteous one from the arms of Kardala!”

“Why don’t we just land the fucking Starblaster in the middle of their goddamn courtyard?” complained Taako. “Just let Lup in here with Maggie and all fucking guns blazing. That would be the cherry on the fuckup torte.”

The problem with being together so long and knowing each other so well, and bonding the way they had… was that they all knew each other’s ways far,  _ far _ too well. “Um,” said Lucretia.

“...fuck me, that’s your plan B.  _ That’s _ your plan B?”

“Okay. Okay. Let’s everyone take a deep breath, here,” said the young human. “I think I can see how we can all… de-escalate…”

“I would have beauteous demigods with the demon of the stars!”

“No means no, Kardala!”

“Where’s the bendy one?” said Lucretia.

There was a Look on Kardala’s face that was just as effective as words. It was an open book with large print and contained two words: oh and shit.

“Kardala will not be denied forever! Kardala will have--” and then the titan shrank to a very diminutive human woman, who was red in the face and staring at the floor. “Um. Sorry everyone,” she warbled. “I guess it- it happened again…”

“What the shit?” said Lucretia.

“They’ve been working on creating  _ magic _ with  _ science _ ,” said Taako. “Isn’t it cute? Listen. We could help them with that.  _ Or _ … you can continue on with this disaster plan and screw everything up for everyone. Including cha boy, Taako.”

“He’s spent time with us,” said the young man. “He’s seen that we have good intentions.”

Lucretia rolled her eyes. “Honesty, Taako would let everyone torture kittens if they let him have a kitchen.”

“Luce…” cooed Taako. “They’re honestly trying to be good people, here.”

“They haven’t… given you anything, have they? I mean. Besides kitchen access.”

An exasperated sigh. “Techworld, Luce. They’re still figuring out my biology. All their medicine is alchemical and they haven’t dared try any.”

The young human man was looking over Lucretia’s shoulder. “Don’t.”

Someone had been sneaking up on her. Someone with way too many knives about their person. “Flanking manoeuvres. Really?”

Taako let go of her to use Hold Person on the knife guy.

“We good?” said the human. “Nobody else is going to try anything stupid? Great. Hello. My name’s Remy. You know I’m with the team here at the Fellowship. And I know you don’t have any proof at all, but we’ve been trying to look after your friend, Taako.” He wasn’t bluffing. He was rolling for something else. Empathy. “It scary. I know. I’d freak out too if any of my friends were being held somewhere like this. But… there’s all kinds of diseases that you - that he - hasn’t been exposed to and any one of them could kill him.”

“Is that why he isn’t free? Because of diseases?”

Remy smiled. “That’s right. We can give him stuff to make him immune, but it takes a while. And he gets a little sick each time. So we’re taking it real slow. Making sure he’s okay before we start on the next batch. You and us, we want the same thing. We want to protect your friend.” He winced and grabbed his ear. “Yes. All right. Calm down, Nadiya.” A nervous giggle. “And we’d really like to know how you’re doing all that cool stuff, too. Please.”

“...ugh, that’s going to be worse than explaining  _ math, _ ” whined Taako.

“If you try to imprison us, if you try to hurt us, we  _ are _ capable of enacting revenge.”

“I don’t doubt that,” said Remy. “I’m pretty sure none of us doubt that. So let’s everybody give these people some more air?”

There was a tiny voice insisting, “I know it’s- it’s fascinating, but they- they- they’re scared right now and it’d be -um- real nice if we can build some trust? They are trying to save us and all. Come on, c-c-come on. You- you- you all- you all have work to- to do.”

People were shuffling out reluctantly. They wanted to see what would happen at the end of the stand-off.

Lucretia lowered the shield. “I want to walk out of here and tell my crew that it’s okay.”

“All right. In order to do that, Taako needs to be back behind the safety line.”

Taako, still defying gravity, called over the small, plump human woman who had once been the titan Kardala. “Irene, darling… give me a lift?” He stuck the wand into his hair and offered the only hand that had survived multiple impacts unscathed.

Irene had an all-body blush when she gingerly grasped Taako’s fingers and began to tow him back from whence they had come.

Once he crossed the line, a chime sounded throughout the complex and the barriers went away.

“See?” said Taako. “Taako’s good over here.”

“But… she turns into that giant.”

“Only when all three of us are within twenty yards,” said Remy. He winced and touched his ear again. “Nadiya wants to talk to you, Taako. I’ll… find somewhere far away to be.”

“ _ Fabulous, _ ” said Taako with all the sarcasm he could muster.


	9. Chapter 9

Lup barely waited for the gangplank to hit the ground. She had to wait for Luce’s all-clear and the illusion to fade and the gangplank to extend, because Luce had her wand. And without her wand, Lup could not cast Featherfall.

But the instant she could go? She was off like a shot. Heedless of any danger to herself. Because no matter what, twins fucking _belonged_ together.

Womb mates. Room mates. Gonna share a tomb mates.

But not in this world. Not if _she_ could help it.

She was going to at least be together with her dumb baby brother and only Hell itself could stop her. And even then, she’d give it a fucking fight of a lifetime.

People might have stared at her. People might have gaped. People may have exclaimed their confusion. Lup didn’t care to notice. Her world was a narrow, Lup-shaped tunnel with Taako at the other end.

She barrelled into him without bothering to slow down very much.

“AAAH! Lup!”

Held on to him like she never planned to let go. “Gods, I’m so sorry I went inside,” she babbled. “If I’d been there with you, I could have done something.”

“Lup…” Taako croaked.

“I know, I know, I _know_ hindsight’s twenty-twenty, but at least we could have been together and I’d have stopped you showboating before you were safe, goofus!”

“...luup…”

“It’s been too long. Were you even able to rest? How’s the nightmares?”

Taako bit her ear. Just enough to sting.

“Ow!” She let him go. “What the _fuck,_ bro?”

“...my ribs are broken…”

Realisation hit her like the truck must have hit him. “Oh fuck me… I’m the stupid one, today, aren’t I?”

He drifted slowly upwards, tears leaking out of his eyes, curling up a little around his pain. “Yup.”

Someone with a shy and mousy voice said, “There’s t-two of them?”

“We need to get you to Merle.” Lup seized her brother’s rather ugly garments.

“Lulu, uh-uh!”

She stopped cold. More than a century of that being her only warning to immediate danger made her freeze. “What?”

“Security system,” Taako panted. “Merle has to come to me.”

“Got it.” She let him go and raced back towards the Starblaster.

Mags was coming the other way with Merle in his muscular arms. “Figured you’d need this,” he said. And threw him.

Lup fumbled and managed to catch him without totally futzing it. She staggered back and got her footing, and returned to Taako like a boomerang.

“I am capable of using my legs,” complained Merle.

“His ribs are broken and I just re-uniting hugged him.”

“Fuck,” summarised Merle. “Run faster.”

She did that. Taako was floating, still, but he wasn’t looking too happy about his place in the universe. He was looking kind’a washed out. Wan. Breathing uncomfortably.

“Drift down, damnit,” ordered Merle.

The smaller Irene helped tug Taako downwards. Lup slowed in a skid and Merle’s hand met Taako’s in Healing Word.

Taako’s colour came back in an almost musical sigh. Taako’s breathing cleared, deepened, and became easier. “...thank Oghma…”

“And Pan,” prompted Merle.

“And Pan,” he added with a roll of his eyes. He stopped channeling Levitation.

A different human entered at a run. She was almost Elfin in build. Tall and wiry. She was out of breath. “How… the hell,” she panted, “do you… do that?” She gasped and gulped. “There’s… two of… you?”

Taako sighed. “Twins,” he said. “Lup, meet Nadiya, the daily pain in my ass. Nadiya, this is Lup.”

“Loop?” Nadiya echoed.

“Short for Chalupa,” she said. “And only relatives get to call me that.”

“There any more Tex-Mex people where you’re from?” Hugh asked.

“What’s texmex?” said Taako.

“Nevermind that,” panted Nadiya. “You… two of you… have done things… we can’t explain.”

“Uhm. Nadiya are you g-gonna be okay?” squeaked Irene.

“...skipped too many leg days,” she managed. “Don’t tell Remy.”

“Okay,” said Lup. “Here’s the deal. You help us get the Light. We can… probably... teach you a few tricks. Things we’ve learned. Thing is… If we take the Light with us at the end of the year? The Hunger damages your world, but it won’t consume it. If we don’t have the Light. Everybody dies.”

“We’ve seen it too many times,” said Taako. “I don’t wanna watch another world die. Almost as much as I don’t wanna learn math again.”

“Wah, wah, wah,” Lup teased. “Baby bro needs a nap-nap...”

He was healthy enough to argue. Always a great sign.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, the commitment arc is over, now. But this fic is still going. I'm just hand-waving my way around events that happened in the final ep. They rebuilt. King Dickie probably caused a political kerfuffle somewhere in the scene. Still pondering what to do about him TBH.
> 
> Anyway. The crews intermingle.

The silver ship currently parked in the courtyard had seven crewmembers, including the captain. They had procedure in place to always keep one crewmember on board. In case things went south.

They actually had someone on board named Barry Bluejeans. He was the engineer and a necromancer, and very possibly deeply in love with one of the twins. He had a long and complicated explanation about how the Bond Engine worked, that Lup summarised with, “It runs on love.”

And instead of being incensed at this kind of precis, he blushed and chuckled and said, “Well, yes, but harnessing the power of it…” and went back to the deep, technical details.

Nadiya, already briefed on some of the… _Alternate Maths_ … was making as many notes as she could take. Determined to at least record most of this for future education.

Irene merely catalogued who was whom.

Seven crewmembers. Three new species. All of them geniuses in their own field. Medical was having a heyday. CAT-scanning everyone and noting the differences in anatomy.

The Captain was a Gnome. Pointed ears and a child’s height, but an adult’s proportions. And also a shock of red hair with a matching handlebar moustache. He did not wear the robes that the twins, Lucretia, or Barry wore as part of their uniforms, and his fine red coat had golden epaulets. There was a matching tricorn hat with the IPRE patch on two sides, but he rarely wore it.

Beyond that, there were no official ranks. And rather a lot of familiarity amongst the crew.

Magnus Burnsides -what a name!- was the youngest of the three humans, and didn’t wear a shirt under the open jacket that was his uniform. He was chief of security, and the friendliest of the seven. And the most likely to spill things about the others.

“Age isn’t a measure of competence,” Magnus was saying. “Never has been. Elves aren’t even adults until they’re a hundred years old. You can’t measure a human like that. We die off way before we get to a century. Dwarves get like four hundred years, Elves seven hundred and some. Gnomes like Cap’n’port can last for anything between three hundred and some to five hundred.”

Irene busily jotted this down. And while she was taking notes, one of the twins landed on Magnus for an extended hug. Since they were in uniform, Irene guessed that it was Lup.

“Nice to see you with your clothes on,” Magnus joked.

The Elf withdrew from the hug, gave Magnus double-barreled fuck-you fingers, and escaped in the same direction they’d been going before they landed. But not before giving Magnus a peck on the cheek.

“I thought she and Barry were… an item?”

“That was Taako,” said Magnus. “They finally gave him his shit back.” And, Irene had to note, taken the casts off.

Irene boggled. “Are you two… an item?”

Magnus shrugged. “Eh. Not… not really. Like. Comfort stuff, I guess. After twenty years together, you lose track of all the labels.”

Irene frowned. “You’re… eighteen.”

A wide grin. “Yeah. And I’ve been eighteen for about thirty years.”

Oh… kay. Irene jotted down, _fountain of youth?_ in her notes. “Is that… because of the others’ age differences?”

“Psh! No. Every time we jump realities, the bond engine resets us to the day we left our own. The twins have been a hundred and forty-six for thirty years. Merle’s been two hundred and seventy-five for thirty years. Cap’n’port’s been thirty-seven for thirty years… It’s all… It’s kind’a messed up a little bit. Like. We remember? But our fleshy vessels stay the same. Puts a whole new spin on life after death.”

“You’ve… d-died before?”

“We’ve all died a few times. I mean, we’re not casual about it. Death fucking hurts. And it hurts the people we love. We don’t court it. We don’t throw ourselves away without wanting it to mean something. And…” he blushed a little. “The rest of us give the other one shit when they come back. It’s… it’s family, but it’s embarrassing, y’know?”

Merle Highchurch spent most of his time in the Fellowship gardens. As close to nature as he could get, given that the world’s armies were collectively guarding the Starblaster. The gardens had never been so lush, and the fellow members of the IPRE had never been so grossed out.

And Nadiya had never been so frustrated.

Those of the Fellowship who had been through the hero treatment could not begin to replicate the ability of the IPRE crew. The people who were still ordinary mortals could summon small parts of the magic but not the huge ones.

Taako and Lup were usually in a kitchen, arguing across languages as they cooked together and came out with explanations for the hungry and captive audience.

“Different languages, different thoughts,” said Taako. “Barry’s dialect is the only one that could come up with trans-dimensional math, and that’s almost impossible to explain in Common.”

“He keeps trying and it’s adorable,” said Lup. “He goes back to his home tongue to swear at the people who don’t get it.”

“And then I cook his favourite,” said Taako. He gestured at a covered plate. “Is it Barold O’Clock?”

“Yeah, time to taunt the poor sod.” They fist-bumped and checked hips.

There was a chorus of, “Chaos twins, awaaaaayyy…” and they marched out of the kitchen towards the lecture hall.

People scattered before them. They knew that the twins together were a force to be reckoned with.

Where Barry J. Bluejeans was still trying to explain Bond to a bunch of confused scientists. Two stories of chalkboard were covered in complicated formulas. Which Barry was now erasing. “Okay,” he said. “Okay. Let’s start from the end and work towards the beginning.”

“But I don’t understand any of it…”

He lapsed into his home tongue. Which, he was told, sounded remarkably like Cantonese, but also like Russian. “[Please just let me try to teach you something important! Of all the messed, up, fucked up, addle-brained--]”

Doors slammed open, and Barry almost fell off the ladder. “TA-DAH! Take five, everyone!”

Of course it was the twins. The one holding the covered plate had to be Taako. Barry slid down the ladder, already grinning before he could see Lup’s face. She was already three quarters into a mischievous smirk and he just _knew_ she was coming up with some kind of taunt.

But this time, she said, “[Calm down, Barold.]” In his first language.

His face felt like it was on fire. He still remembered the year he’d taught her. It was an excuse to spend time with her and yet another way to tell her apart from her brother. Taako had a learning capacity, which ebbed and flowed with his mood. Lup was like the ocean. Hidden depths and a seemingly infinite ability for learning.

“This is why you hire the best chef in the world,” said Taako for those who were hanging around for the spectacle. “To feed the people who are too smart to know that they are hungry.”

Barry lifted the lid and _inhaled_. “Oh gods, yes.” Taako had spent a year learning how to make it just like Barry’s mother had. Finessing it to perfection. Barry had used that year as an excuse to get info on Lup. To overcome his shyness with beauty in general and Lup’s beauty in particular.

The twins were tongue-clottingly beautiful, even when they didn’t care about presentation. He still remembered the day that Lup came down after a class, before they were members of IPRE, to talk about a clarification point on some of the math he’d been fruitlessly trying to explain for an hour.

And she nailed it right off the bat.

He’d said, “Uhuh, yeah,” and could not say another coherent word except, ‘heterochromia’ which was in the middle of some gabbled garble at attempted words. He’d had the same reaction when he definitively met Taako. The only word to come out clearly was, ‘twins’.

Barry hauled himself out of memory lane to take the plate. “Bless you both,” he said.

“Remember to eat it,” said Taako.

“Or do you want me to do aeroplanes again?”

Barry almost choked on his own embarrassment. “I can use a spork,” he mumbled. He got a mouthful and let himself relish a mouthful. Lup and Taako had evidently had an argument about garlic and hot sauce again and that was just the way he loved it. Not the way his mother made it, but the way the twins made it. By having a fight about how to make it as they made it and still loving each other through it all.

He sat on the desk and tucked in. A twins-cooked meal was worth enjoying. It got all his attention. Well. Ninety percent of his attention.

Ten percent remained rapt with Lup. She hadn’t done anything radical to her hair, yet. She was too busy, like all of them, answering weird questions from Native Nerds. She was watching him enjoy the food she’d helped make. And maybe he imagined it, but there was something special about that smile.

Taako ruined it by poking her. “Hey. Listen. We should go feed the other nerds.”

“Hm?” said Lup, startling out of a reverie.

“It’s nerd feeding time,” said Taako.

“Oh. Right. Sure.”

And the twins charged off to their next mission. Starting another one of their friendly arguments. “You’re a nerd, too, brother-dear. How else did you get on the short list?”

“You’re the _nerd,_ nerd. And it was obviously my superlative cooking skills. Doy.”

Barry gave off eating for a moment to sigh.

“They are fantastic,” cooed one of the natives.

“Yeah,” agreed Barry. “She is.”

Lucretia, when she was off the ship, generally kept Remy company. Him with his laptop and her with her notebooks. Her left hand was usually devoted to drawing, but there were times when she could write two thoughts simultaneously, and those were disturbing to watch.

Remy filmed her doing it a couple of times. The Internet swore it was fake, so he streamed it live. And then the internet still swore it was fake.

“Have you always been able to do that?” asked Remy.

“Well, I had to teach myself. Sometimes, I can’t write fast enough, so I… just… trained myself. It’s a skill. Like your multitasking.”

“I’ve seen you do that, like, quill and ink stuff. You learned like that?”

“Of course. We don’t have anything else. I mean. Sure, in the field, it’s pencils, but… I ink later when there’s down time.” Lucretia grinned. “Not that there’s much of that, this cycle. I’ll have to wait for a dead world.”

Remy was just about to ask about that when two covered plated appeared. One for his field of view, the other for Lucrecia’s.

“Luncheon,” singsonged Taako. “Per your request, handsome, I gave you a share of one of the crew’s favourites. This one’s Barry’s. Like certain people, it’s… _spicy_.”

Remy sighed. He’d been flirting to varying degrees at Remy for weeks. “Still straight as an arrow, dude. Go ask one of the people _volunteering_ to fuck the Space Elf.”

“Yeah. Fun though that sounds, turns out the casual fling thing can fuck up the Bond Engine. All those fuckers out there aren’t interested in a _relationship._ They just want to fuck. Not a great deal.”

“So date your hand,” said Lup. “Or Mags. Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Remy did a double take. The twins really did look alike. If it weren’t for the name patches, there would be no way to tell at a glance.

“It’s getting a smidge dull,” said Taako. He blew an exaggerated sigh. “Guess I’ll see if there’s any other cute guys here who want all of this.” And then he swanned out.

Remy felt like he was, once again, behind the ball. “Wait. You guys can’t do casual hookups? Why?”

“Bond,” began Lucrecia.

Bond was the force that tied people together, that tied them to the forces that created and fed the prime material plane, and the Starbaster used the seven kinds of Bond embodied in the crew.

Lup listed them off in a litany, “Romantic, platonic, filial, fraternal, divine, creative, and aesthetic.” Her fingers danced as she counted them off. “We each have major elements and minor elements. It’s not like there’s one big one each or anything. And sex is not something that lasts. Not casual sex, anyway.”

“It muddies up the bond,” said Lucrecia. “Especially if one of us makes a bad temporary choice.”

“Koko’s achilles heel,” noted Lup. “I love him, but gods, he keeps going after men who are completely wrong for him. I think he’d learned after the fourth time the Starblaster had trouble starting.”

“Do _not_ want a repeat of those ones.” Lucretia patted Remy’s arm. “You’re safe. He’ll flirt to get a reaction out of you, but he won’t go further. Now tuck in before it gets cold.”

Remy put his work down and opened the container. It looked like… special fried rice. Sort of. Only the grain was millet. Something a lot like it, anyway. And the entire concoction was bright red. Well. He had asked for this. He took a mouthful.

Tears fell.

There were stories about the fae folk. How you weren’t supposed to eat in fairyland, because you’d never want to eat a morsel of mortal food ever again. Remy could suddenly believe that all those stories had heard of Taako’s skill. It was food he could fall in love with. Aesthetic love.

Lup was grinning. “Tears,” she squeaked in joy. “Actual tears. Taako fucking loves when he does that. I gotta tell him!” And then she was dashing off in a streak of red and gold.

Even though they knew certain doom was coming, this was going to be one hell of a year.


	11. Chapter 11

 

Australia was reportedly not letting go of the Light. Their leader, a Prime Minister, insisted that the Light was worth a lot of money. And they wanted in to the Fellowship and all the technology. Australia was, until recently, an unimportant nation and now they knew they had the world over a barrel.

Magnus was watching the news. Nadiya was taking a break from attempting to absorb inter-dimensional physics and the nature of Bond. Trying to figure out how an engine could use the love present in all of the crew of the ship did her mind in.

Half the time it sounded like pseudoscientific bullshit.

“Don’t they get it?” he pleaded. “It’s worth the difference between living and dying. Why are they holding out like that?”

“Because that’s the way people are, sometimes. They have something everyone wants, so they try to make the most of it.”

“Even if it could cost them their entire planet?”

Nadiya shrugged. “People can be really short sighted about that kind of stuff. I don’t understand it, either.” There was something about this big, honest lug that made her want to be honest, too. “People confuse me, most of the time. That’s why I prefer science. It persists, even when nobody believes in it.”

Magnus laughed. “Science confuses  _ me _ all the time,” he said. “It’s why I prefer people. Understanding people is like… the cornerstone of building a relationship.”

Nadiya snorted. “Maybe one of you should have talked to the Prime Minister of Australia instead of our King.”

Magnus frowned. “I thought you guys had a president.”

“We do. It’s… complicated. There’s a guy who claims to be the King of the USA. It’s… not as legitimate as he boasts, but enough people are behind it, so… it’s more or less an empty title. On the other hand, he does have enough money to actually  _ own _ the country, and it’s way less trouble to let him do him and let nature take care of the rest. We’ve had self-proclaimed royalty before. It never goes anywhere.” She sipped her coffee. “Meanwhile, it can impress other nations a little bit.”

“Not nearly enough,” said Magnus, “apparently.”

The next morning, the silver ship and her seven crew were gone.


	12. Chapter 12

The Starblaster could keep her crew alive in space. She could travel between planes, and realities. Going across both Pacific Oceans before anyone realised what was up was, comparatively, a doddle.

The rest of the world was apparently very surprised by the appearance of a silver ship in the lake by Parliament House, Canberra. They were even more shocked to see a party of the red-robed crew just taking a stroll from their lakeside roost to the seat of Australia’s alleged government.

Where they found out that this was not, in fact, the residence of said government, and the Prime Minister actually lived somewhere else. But, by then, it was a press conference.

The crew out to talk to the Prime Minister consisted of Captain Davenport, Magnus, Lucretia, and the twins, Lup and Taako. The last of those five were the darlings of the cameras. Catching every nuance of their expressions.

Important people hurried to the scene. Police vainly tried to control it. But if there’s anything that Australia loves, it’s a good show.

Taako was the one to try a meat pie floater. Bought from an opportunistic street vendor who set up shop because of the growing crowds. Taako shared it with Lup and the two of them pretty much instantly started bombarding the poor vendor with suggestions as to how to improve the flavour profile.

Davenport dragged them away when the Prime Minister turned up. “I can’t take you two anywhere...”

Taako shot off a final, “Pepper is not the only spice in the world, you know!”

And then it was time for smiles, handshakes, photo opportunities, and a significant amount of Bluff Checks. During which, the bomb dropped.

“Yeah nah, we already secured this Light business with your King Dickie. He said we’d get all of that stuff for us the instant the Storm passed.”

“Would you be willing to repeat that under Zone of Truth?” asked Davenport.

“Yeah sure. He said you mob were paranoid.” He actually did that, during which, the press had a field day with quite a lot of side-scandals and back-door deals that they had been concerned about as other business. But Zone of Truth confirmed it. The light was in the hands of the self-proclaimed King of the USA.

“I think it’s high time we all met this Dick for ourselves,” murmured Lup.

Taako stepped towards the cameras. “People of Earth,” he said. “The fate of your entire world is in your hands. Find this King Dick and find the Light. We need it to save you. To save this world. To- to minimise the damage that the Hunger is going to cause. It’s your choice. And it’s a terrible choice, I know. But between a choice of some destruction or certain death, I’d opt the fuck out of the latter.”

Okay. So it wasn’t the most inspiring speech in the world. But it certainly was _effective._

All around the world, everyone, everywhere, was on the hunt for one Dick.


	13. Chapter 13

It was a three-hour sub-orbital flight back to their former parking space at the Do-Good Fellowship. The Captain and Magnus were the only ones to exit, and both were understandably upset about the recent turn of events.

“We didn’t know,” protested Nadiya. “All we knew was what was on the news. This isn’t us.”

“We’ve encountered this sort of thing before,” said Davenport. “People lie, wanting to keep the power of the Light for themselves. Some… go mad with the potential. Some merely see it as something precious that must be exchanged.”

“It wasn’t  _ us. _ I promise,” said Remy. “We didn’t know this was happening."

“I know,” said Davenport. “What we need is your help getting it from your so-called King.”

“Absolutely,” said Nadiya. “That guy’s been a pain in our ass since we went independent.”

Remy was already scouring the social networks for any news about Richard Poer. Alas, the internet was already manufacturing memes, so he had to filter out anything with a large text addition to the image. He had to invent a few filtering algorithms to match pre-existing images and leave them outside of his search results.

“Is there anything he always has with him?” asked Magnus. “Our arcanists could find him if he does.”

“There’s a wedding ring, but it’s like every other gold band every other married person on the planet,” said Remy, tapping at his laptop keyboard. “There’s a tie pin… his wife gave it to him.” Images flooded the Fellowship screens. As high a resolution as Remy could manage. Including an article on what it was, who had made it, and some of the little details that went into its design.

It was gold and had some kind of super-rare gem in it that only looked like a diamond. It cost ten million dollars and was pretentious as all hell. All because of a tiny stamp on the inside of it that no-one in the world would see.

That kind of money could have helped thousands, if not millions of people. But no. Martine had bought him a super fucking expensive tie pin that looked just like one you could get just about anywhere for twenty dollars.

“So offense meant to you guys, but we’re in threat protocol,” said Davenport. “That means only two people leave the ship at a time. I’m going back, and Magnus will bring out Lucretia to memorise this. Then… we’ll run our search and you can run yours.”

“Martine - that’s Richard’s wife - can be a tricky customer,” volunteered Nadiya. “We’ll gather as many heroes as we can to back you up on this. I have no doubt that she’s been building something of a private army.”

Davenport nodded once, and said, “Thank you, but we’re still on threat protocol. No more than two crew are leaving the ship at any time. Until this is resolved.”

They expected Magnus to return with Lucretia, but she came with one of the twins instead. Their wand unholstered and a dour expression on their face. In full uniform, it was difficult to tell the twins apart. Their heterochromia was mirrored, but… for the life of her, Nadiya couldn’t recall which twin had their green eye where.

_ What was that mnemonic? Lup’s is not left? Lup’s is left? _ She certainly couldn’t tell by the hair. Identical golden haircuts -blonde  _ or _ blond- were swept back into simple ponytails when the twins meant business, and this time, this twin had tucked their hair inside their robes.

Nadiya knew that Taako couldn’t control his stress-curls, but Lup could. And that avenue of getting a name to the too-lovely face was cut off from her.

Threat protocol for the twins must have been not easily letting on which twin was which.

Realisation hit her when she looked at the boots. Taako wore two-inch heels to be one inch taller than his sister, and these uniform boots were flats.

Nadiya said, “I’m sorry this happened, Lup.”

“Not half as sorry as we are,” she said. “We could have done so much more if this Dick hadn’t decided to…” a humourless laugh, “Dick us around.”

“He dicked all of us around,” said Remy. “The Fellowship has had more applicants than ever, these past couple of days, and they’re all joining to get superpowers so they can kick a Dick.”

“How many are you letting do it?” asked Lup.

“We’re… going through a rigorous screening and training program,” allowed Nadiya.

“BEAUTEOUS ONE! WE ARE RE-UNITED!”

There was a unanimous chorus of, “Oh, fuck…”

“Kardala would have your glorious demigods, my lovely demon. They would have a power unmatched by any mortal. They will grow and defeat the coming darkness!” Kardala entered the area, grinning wide, and scooped up Lup, who Blinked away.

“You are wrong on  _ so _ many counts, there,” she said. “Wrong twin, wrong attitude, wrong biology, wrong gender... Need I go on?”

Kardala’s glowing eyes narrowed. “You are the other star demon,” she said, putting Lup down. “Where is the one I desire?”

“Not telling,” said Lup. “And he wants to keep five hundred feet away from you at all times. Just FYI.”

Kardala scowled. “That would make the conception of my desired demigods extremely difficult.”

“Geez, no shit,” muttered Remy. Louder, he said, “He’s not into you. Get over it.” And Taako had the same problem with Remy. But, just like Lucretia said, it went no further than flirting for a reaction. Taako was well capable of making his own fun whenever he liked.

Kardala on the other hand… “I would have him sire demigods upon me, and they would be  _ glorious! _ Legends will be told of their mighty deeds.”

“Before, or  _ after _ the world ends?” asked Nadiya. “Even if you conceived right now, your demigods would be helpless infants when the attack comes.”

“And that’s a huge if,” added Remy. “You might be better off picking someone else to make demigods with. If at all. I don’t think Irene is ready to become a co-mother to divinities.”

“Shared body, shared consent,” added Nadiya. “I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if Irene chose to reproduce without  _ your _ knowledge.”

Kardala looked suitably poleaxed and terrified, which made Lup snort.

“See?” said Lup. “This is the sort of bullshit we have to deal with on the regular. Better to stay in-house. At least you know what you can stick with, that way.”

Lucretia, who had been busily jotting down details with both hands, surfaced from her intense investment in her work with a, “Got it.” And then both crew vanished back into the Starblaster.

They weren’t going anywhere. Not yet. But they weren’t trusting anyone either. Not until this whole mess was over.

And the sooner Remy found any trace of Dick, the sooner they could get back to the way more interesting scientific side of things. He looked up Dick’s blogs. Trying to see if anything he posted anywhere was geotagged. Or if he was silly enough to take a selfie near any kind of traceable landmark.

But all of his social media was silent.

Which was not at all like King Dick. He was one of those people who tweeted or blogged every spare thought in every spare instant. Spread his face all over Instagram. Lubricated twitter or facebook with his thoughts. Sometimes wrote an essay for any kind of blogging platform that was popular. The essays, of course, were arguments in regards to his legitimacy to his title of King of the USA.

All logical, all well thought out, and all pure horseshit.

And no updates since his trip to Australia.

In desperation, Remy hacked his messages to find out what kind of spam he was getting. Google knew all and saw all, and spammed everyone who used it with advertising local to wherever their phone or smart device happened to be at the time.

Ha. Silver Alpine Lakes Resort. Nearby attractions, restaurants, and would King Dick like a list of live shows happening in the immediate area? God  _ bless _ the unending relentlessness of capitalism.

Remy scooped up his laptop and raced to the Starblaster. They’d taken up the gangplank, and one of the red-robed crew was on watch on the deck. Threat protocol indeed. “Hey!” Remy called. “I found him! Permission to come aboard?”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back, my dear readers! I finally finished this one and am now taking notes for my rampant ideas whilst I work on one story at a time.
> 
> But before I got back to _When We Were Us_, I did manage a one-shot short. Coming soon.
> 
> Work progresses apace. And I'm letting myself take my time, rather than forcing myself to do the thing. It actually works a lot better this way.
> 
> Thanks once again for all your patience.

Magnus met Remy on the gangplank at the halfway point. Frisked him for weapons with the seriousness due his position. Something he usually didn’t do because (a) he was naturally Mister Friendly, (b) the position of Security Chief on the Starblaster was generally  _ emotional _ security, and (c) he was still eighteen and more than a little uncomfortable about making other people uncomfortable. Anyone over twenty automatically got ‘sir’d or ‘ma’am’d, whether or not he was trying to intimidate them. Something he hadn’t got over no matter how many years he’d been eighteen  _ for. _

“Sorry, sir,” Magnus said as he patted Remy down, kicking himself as the ‘sir’ spilled out. “Threat protocol. We have to be sure you’re not going to do anything rash.”

“I get it,” said Remy. “One guy pulls a Dick move and you can’t know how many others were in on it. This sucks for all of us.”

Magnus wanted to thank him for being so understanding, but that was not in his job description, right now. He could say, “Everyone here is primed and ready to kick ass at the slightest provocation, so…”

“Don’t provoke anyone, I got it. I’ve survived this long without getting shot for walking while black.”

_ Doing what while what? _ Magnus got the sense that, without Elves, Dwarves, and other assorted species around, humans would find ways to not get along with others. He’d seen things like this happening in worlds with just one species. They found ways to discriminate against each other.

It was ridiculous. And pointing that out never convinced anyone nor changed anything. Unfortunately.

He escorted Remy up the gangplank, and Taako boxed him in on the other side. Brains and brawn to match anything these people could come up with. They waited for the gangplank to retract before going into the common room, where the other five were waiting.

Lup was making her five-alarm coffee in the nearby galley. Merle, Lucretia, and Davenport were all scouring the local transmissions for any news. No progress on their end. Newscasters were begging the greater populace to stop making memes that would impede internet searches for any fresh news of King Dick.

Remy announced, “I found him with the power of spam,” as he put his laptop down on their table.

“Isn’t that that hideous tinned alleged foodstuff someone tried to sell us as a delicacy?” said Taako. He was idly flipping through an array of illusory screens in the same manner that the natives of this world might ‘chanel surf’.

“Uh. Yeah. It’s also synonymous with -uh- advertising? That nobody wants? But they keep sending it anyway?” Remy explained it. Businesses wanted to sell things, so they made certain that their advertising followed people around. It was even context-sensitive and could tell people about all the things in their immediate area. And since Remy had found a way to get those messages, he knew the general area where King Dick would be found.

Which narrowed things down to a twenty mile radius somewhere in Canada.

The twins looked at each other. Taako said something in their private language to Lup.

Magnus was instantly lost. The only thing he knew in the twins’ private language was one phrase, ‘The others are listening’. Which they employed whenever they were up to some shit. Especially the kind of shit that would end up with real trouble.

Since they weren’t using the phrase of impending doom, Magnus could almost relax.

Almost.

Now that they knew where King Dick was, it was time for this Do-Good Fellowship to put their actions where their mouths had pledged.


	15. Chapter 15

Silver Alpine Lakes Resort, somewhere in Canada.

A place that one could get away from it all, they said. But they also allowed you to take it all with you. There was alpine skiing, fishing in the summer, little cabins that could easily be described as ‘remote’. And -unfortunately for King Dick- free wifi.

Martine had confiscated and locked up all his devices. Even the smart watch he’d got for himself the previous year. She dogged his every step and made certain he didn’t touch a single electronic device with internet capability. She even watched him when he had a few goes at the Pac Man game at the local Piggly Wiggly.

But that didn’t stop Them.

The silver ship appeared in the lake and four red-robed figures emerged from the Starblaster deck. As well as an assortment of heroic figures. Including one that was way, way too familiar.

“You have besmirched our honour with the demons of the stars!”

Fuck.

Martine raised her walkie to her lips and activated the channel. “All teams, it’s go time. Code Valiant.”

All the heroes that she had made came out from under cover. It was a battle of the gods. Lightning, explosions, dark portals, and mysterious wafts of mists soon filled the air. A special team of heroic mercenaries surrounded herself and her husband and hustled them away from the scene of the fireworks. Which, Martine was certain, was going to almost completely obliterate this tiny little mountain town that used to be far away from everything.

Red robes converged on Martine’s team, peeling the team of guards away from protecting her husband.

Just as she predicted.

And then there was  _ another _ red-robed alien in their path, seemingly appearing from nowhere. And with her were three of the heroes that Martine swore were elsewhere in the battle.

“Surprise, motherfucker,” said the Elf. Lup. Her brother could not be near Kardala without the latter being all over him like a bad rash. “Now. Hand over the Light before anyone else gets hurt.”

“Wait. The what?” said Richard.

“I told you not to talk to anyone,” Martine snapped.

“Too late, deceiver,” said Kardalah. She clapped her hands together and summoned the lightning.

_ Oh sh-- _


	16. Chapter 16

The Light looked magnificent on the news. Letting any scientific institute interested in advancing their research get into contact with it was a small price to pay for the continuing PR. And letting King Dick continue to use said PR was… well… not exactly a boost, per se, but it was his own PR experiment.

“I did not know that Martine had done this,” King Dick was telling anyone who’d listen. In between photo ops with the twins and attempting to use the Light to invent something other than ways he could be even more popular.

The Light could make genius better. It could inspire new ways of thinking about the same topic that had stolen their hearts or minds. Richard Poer had been coasting on the relative fame of his family heritage and was basically cultivating fame by being famous. He had no other skill.

Martine was the one with the master plans. The ability to utilise anything that crossed her path for their benefit.

And now that he was under the influence of the Light, Richard started to realise that Martine wasn’t strictly using any given advantage for their  _ mutual _ benefit. Rich came to realise that Martine was repeatedly using him as a patsy so that she could get away with her plots scot-free.

And this wasn’t the first time she’d done it.

Before the Do-Good Fellowship, there was that land investment scheme that sounded like a great idea but ended up as an elaboration on the typical Ponzi set-up and a pyramid scam. Rich had signed all the paperwork, but Martine made all the plans. He had desperately scrambled to make things all good again and narrowly avoided prison for the whole thing.

And before  _ that _ , there was that thing with the new toy factory that fizzled out at great expense. Investors poured money in, and demanded money back, but since nothing was guaranteed, they couldn’t quite sue.

And before that, there was that factory thing in Guatemala…

Rich became aware that one of the aliens was watching him intently. Barry. The one who seemed like a human, but there was something in his eyes. He didn’t look at anyone like someone his age should have looked at anyone. His eyes were way older than he was.

“Something wrong?” Rich asked.

“I was about to ask you the same question,” said Barry. “You’re working through some rough stuff. Bad things… maybe a heartbreak?”

Rich felt a chill. “Can you read my mind?”

Barry sang, briefly, “Do you know what it is you do to me?” He cleared his throat. “Sorry. No. I can read your face. Something has occurred to you that hurts you. Want to talk about it? Merle’s off talking planar mechanics with some of your crew, so I’m the next best counsellor.” A brief laugh. “Some would say definitely the best counsellor. Merle… sometimes he’s a bit of a downer. Anyway. Talking’s great for working through random stuff.”

“This isn’t random,” said Rich. “It’s… it’s a pattern that I haven’t seen before today.”

“Mm-hm?” Barry said. He was listening. Paying rapt attention to his words.

“I love Martine, I do. I don’t want her to… y’know… suffer. She got hit by lightning, you know, but… I love her for her brilliance? Martine… always has a plan. I--” he twiddled with the wedding ring. “I only just now realised that she’s been using me as her front man. All of her wonderful plans have me in charge, and taking the blame when things go bad.”

Barry looked at him like Rich had just said that his mother had died. “It seriously sucks when the one you love doesn’t love you back. I guess it sucks worse when the one you love decides to use that.” He sighed. “Taako’s had some experiences with that one. He’d know how to deal with it. Maybe. Just… don’t take any advice that involves breaking your laws or blowing anything up. That’s… um. That’s actually ninety percent of the advice that the twins give, come to think of it.”

Rich couldn’t help but laugh. “Maybe I should just… not take advice from him? This is… something I need to really think about.”

“Just don’t go licking the Light,” said Barry. “That’ll just knock you sideways and fill your head with stuff you’ll never understand. There’s a reason why there aren’t eight of us.”

Oh. Right. No licking the Light.

Rich gave off from doing the popularity thing and went for a walk around the rebuilt campus for the Do-Good Fellowship. A name that Martine chose. Because she knew that he would never be able to resist the concept. Just like the factory in Guatemala. Just like the fizzled toy line. Just like this latest idea of using the Light to create wonders and weapons that could defeat the Hunger. Assuming it ever turned up.

That doubt was Martine’s, too.

_ He _ had had no reason not to trust the aliens’ word. He believed the story. He’d even seen some photos of all the assorted stuff that was on the Starblaster. Everything fit. But Martine said that the Light was worth keeping for a little bit. Just like she’d said that heroes on his side could help his legitimacy. Just like she’d said the toy line would make them lots more money…

A saying came into his mind.  _ Once is an accident, twice is coincidence, three times is a pattern. _

Martine had a pattern. Using him. Letting him take the blame. She was the one who lit his mind on fire with her great ideas, and left him without any kind of backup. And the more he thought about it, the more it seemed like his wife didn’t… actually…

She didn’t love him.

Rich sat on a bench, staring out at nothing very much and going into something of a fuge. All the good things she had done for him were not signs of love. They were bribes to maintain his affections. To dupe him into believing that his feelings were reflected in her.

Ever since their courtship, she had been in charge. She had had the good ideas, the fantastic schemes, the whirlwind campaign to win him over and it worked. She was dazzling. She was magnificent. She baffled his senses and burned any red flags he might have possessed. He was, at heart, an honest soul. He couldn’t conceive of being deceived.

If you couldn’t fool a dishonest man, then Rich might just be the most honest man in the world. And the most foolish.

Reluctantly, he called up his lawyer. “Hey,” he said. Tears beginning to form. Heart crumbling in his chest. “I need you to draw up the divorce papers between me and Martine. I… I just realised. She’s been manipulating me. Abusing me, I guess.” A fat tear fell down his cheek. He was shocked that it didn’t thunder on impact. “Start… start moving everything into my name. Yes. Even while she’s comatose in hospital.”  _ Before she wakes up and gets angry. _

It felt like his guts were trembling themselves apart, as he hashed out the details. Of course he wanted her medical care to continue. Of course he wanted her to have a comfortable life. He had no real desire to keep her CD’s or her wardrobe or whatnot. He was betrayed, but he wasn’t petty.

But he did not want her living on the same continent as he did. Or contacting him by any means. Or, if possible, thinking about him. Not that that last part was under his control.

A traitor thought attacked him.  _ I’m glad we never had kids together. _ And almost broke down sobbing on the phone with his lawyer. Him, who could float above emotion whenever needed. Brought down by this.

She was far away from him. She was unconscious. She was sedated and could not possibly wreak any kind of revenge.

And yet…

He was desperate to send her flowers. To buy her jewelry. To pay for a holiday somewhere warm and paradisiacal. To do anything at all including taking over the world to make her happy. Because a happy Martine was just marginally better than an angry one.

But a Martine where she was out of reach of him had to be better than either of those options.

And worse, he had to instruct his security detail about the new arrangement. Root out Martine’s creatures **,** of course.

“Can I?” he asked the lawyer. “Can I like… get rid of all the people in our organisation who are loyal to Martine?”

“I’m pretty sure we can re-evaluate your staff based on your testimony,” assured the lawyer. “You… you take whatever time you need. And stand firm with this decision, okay, Rich?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Sure.”

“Call me whenever you need it, okay?”

“...kay,” Rich murmured. He hung up, feeling like the world was already ending.

They had more than a few months, just yet.


	17. Chapter 17

Magic was weak in the natives of this plane. They were a tech world. They weren’t meant to be adept at magic. Those who were augmented into heroics were better at it, but only in specific ways. They could no longer handle the traditional spell-forms that the crew of the Starblaster knew.

But the leading arcanists were on the job. Years of learning on their own had built up their ability to scry magic in progress. Which was what they were doing for every and all superhero teams in the Fellowship.

Even the problematic ones.

“Kiss me.”

“Focus, Kardala. Fo-cus. You want to be ready when the Hunger gets here, right? You want to be at peak performance, don’t you? You want to have a chance at saving the world. What you do not want, dear, is jumping my bones. We’ve been through this, remember?”

“I would still have your beauteous demon babies.”

“Yeah. Not gonna happen. Focus. Lup and I need to see you make that gust of wind, now. And aim at the dummy, not my sister.”

“I can not tell which of you is which. I desire your demigod babies and seeking them from the wrong one wastes my time.”

“We are literally wearing shirts with our names on them. Focus. I need you to smite that there dummy with a gust of wind so we can get the magical spell forms right. Just fucking do it already.”

Kardala made an attempt to flirt. Alas, she was just as inept with flirting as she was with humour. “Did you say ‘do  _ it _ ’ or ‘do  _ me _ ’?”

“Oh my fucking god, no. No. That’s it. No. I quit. I’m never showing this world my beautiful face again. I long for the sweet embrace of death...”

“I WILL SAVE YOU, BEAUTEOUS ONE!” Kardala clapped her hands like thunder and the gust occurred, knocking the target dummy back.

“At fucking last,” said Lup. “Got it.” She worked busily in a notebook, writing down sigils that few in this realm could understand.

“Thank you, Kardala, you’ve been very helpful,” said Taako, purposely guiding her away from her empowering teammates, who were in a different testing chamber the requisite number of yards away. As they crossed an invisible line, Kardala vanished and Irene was back.

“I- I- think you should know,” stammered Irene. “Um. I think Kardala is getting upset -uh- by not getting what she wants? I know you’re not into it, b-but, um, would it hurt t-to give her a little peck on the- the- the cheek or something?”

“I’d rather not do anything to make her think I’m leading her on,” said Taako. “I mean, she doesn’t take no for an answer, so any kind of encouragement is going to break real bad. So yeah. Kardala turns up near me again, I’m fucking casting Blink and noping the fuck outta there.”

“Same,” said Lup, barely looking up from her notes.

“I c-can try to- to communicate that with- uh- with her, but… I’m her prison? Uhm. She… doesn’t really like me.”

“Well that’s a crying shame. You’re kind’a cute for a woman.”

Irene giggled and blushed all the way to her dorm.


	18. Chapter 18

When the Hunger came, it came too soon. An effect enhanced by Martine’s theft of the Light. The heroes, magical and non, threw everything they could at the oncoming storm. Kardala called down lightning and squalls on the tendrils of Hunger. Nadiya hit the soldiers with every weapon. Remy used his hand blasts on them. Teams of heroes and individuals alike threw everything they could at the Hunger.

Even the military turned their weaponry on the horror before them. Nukes shot into the Hunger and immolated patches of it from within. Bullets tore through the dark soldiers. Rockets and missiles and all sorts of ordinance flew at the glittering darkness.

All to make certain that a relatively small silver ship got away. To save  _ most _ of the world.

Some teams were on hospitals and public shelters, making sure that those who went there for safety found it there. Some guarded schools and daycare centers.

Never before had the world been so united against a common foe. Muslims fought side-by-side with isolationist rednecks. Liberals fought beside conservatives. Mortal enemies defended each other against a far greater foe.

And above it all, the twins were flying. Arm in arm. Spells shooting out of their fingers. Spells leaping out of their wands. All with a maximum amount of damage with a minimum amount of fuss on their behalf.

Their ship had left them behind. Taking the Light with it. They were the heaviest hitters, as far as area of effect is concerned. And floating between Kardala’s lightning, they sent off fireballs, magic missiles, and cones of cold at the glittering blackness. Causing as much damage to it as they could.

Chanting their personal motto.

“Womb mates!”

“Room mates!”

“Gonna share a tomb mates!”

They were facing their own deaths and they knew it. They were determined to go down fighting. Causing as much trouble as they were capable of before something terrible happened to them and they died. Possibly again.

They weren’t reckless. They were methodical. Determined. They paced themselves and did whatever they could to stay out of the Hunger’s reach. Letting the fight carry on for as long as possible.

When they were eventually pierced by the black opal tendrils, Kardala flew into a berserker rage. Surrounded by lightning, she lifted off from the ground, taking her team with her so that her power would remain.

Never before had the world witnessed the wrath of the thunder goddess. And it was possibly because of that that the Hunger became devastated in that particular area. Kardala almost knocked a hole straight through the Hunger, before the red-robed bodies could finish their final fall to the ocean surrounding the base.

Somewhere during the extended, pyrotechnic battle, those bodies vanished from the realm. Leaving no trace. And roughly an hour after the silver ship vanished, so too did the Hunger.

The world was scarred. Many were wounded. Many were dead. Wreckage was all over the world. The dust settled, and most of the world was saved.

Nadiya broke away from their team to rush to her private lab. To check on some experiments she had there. Kardala was oddly silent. Mopey, even.

Remy kept her company and gave her offerings of bad movies and chocolate ice cream. Maybe, in her own way, she had actually cared for Taako.


	19. Chapter 19

They had a single day between the worlds. Lup and Taako breathed a mutual sigh of relief to be free of what they named Hero World. They whipped the crew up a luxuriant carb feast and busted out some conjured booze. Wins were rare, and the twins counted this as a double win.

They kept the Light away from the Hunger. They’d made it through an entire cycle without anyone dying.

And, a third win as far as Taako was concerned, he survived close contact with a lust-crazed goddess without getting assaulted in any way, shape or form.

More than enough reason to throw a party.

With any luck, the wins would keep coming on the next world.

He could hope. He could pray. But he knew it was a gamble in every reality. And whenever he looked at Lup, he got better at hoping.

Taako clinked glasses with his sister. “Here’s to another fight,” he said.

“Here’s to another win,” she said.

“Here’s to a better love-life,” added Taako.

“You had a chance…” she teased.

For one day out of over three and a half hundred, they could have a good time.

They ate, drank, and were merry. Because they had no idea what their tomorrows might be like.


	20. Chapter 20

Nadiya sighed with relief when she saw that her experiment had survived intact. She kept the light in this particular area a soft red, so as not to interfere with the subjects. Genetics and biology were her fields of expertise, along with an astonishing number of other nerdy degrees.

It was no real problem to take extant advances and do this.

It was possible to take genetic material from a donor and use it to make a viable egg. It was possible to fertilise that egg in vitro. It was even possible to raise an embryo to term outside of the human body.

And she knew from interviews with the Starblaster crew that half-Elves were a possibility.

Thanks to Fellowship medical protocols, Nadiya had everything she needed. Including some sperm samples from Taako. She also had eggs from both her genetic material  _ and _ Kardala’s.

It had been months of work. Making certain that her subjects in their special tanks had everything they could possibly need. Two tanks. Two fertilised eggs. At least originally. She had carried out experiments like this before, but these were the only two that she planned to bring to term.

She would have to inform Kardala. Later. When it was too late to terminate them for ethical reasons.

Nadiya checked the vitals of both tanks, but only peeked inside the one where hers were growing. It was still early days, but she could definitely tell one thing.

It was going to be twins.

 

END.


End file.
